Struggle vs Surrender!

Have you ever felt left out? or like a misfit? all alone? neglected? rejected? or unappreciated? Have you ever felt like you were enveloped in a lonely, dark cloud, even though you were surrounded by people? I have, and it takes its toll—spirit, soul and body! One time, was after we moved to Graham, N.C. Six weeks earlier, my husband had been sent there to be branch manager of the small Duke Power office. He was working extremely hard, as this was his first assignment after a long training period. Being a very outgoing person, it seemed to me he knew most of the people in Graham by the time I and our three and four year olds arrived! Then, in a short month, in the middle of Christmas season, our baby son was born! We were both thrilled with this child! What did not thrill me, however, was that I didn’t know any of the new friends my husband had, that I had no clothes which fit for all these Christmas functions we should attend, and that we knew no  babysitters for these little ones, except our parents who lived 25 miles away. For a company banquet we had to attend, Roy’s parents graciously came up to babysit. I was thrilled on one hand, to get out of the house! But several hours before the event, I was depressed and very tired. I just wanted to go to bed. Yes, this was probably postpartum depression, but I had no clue about all that! All I knew was what the first two sentences of this blog describe! 

Happily, by spring I could get outside, and we were connected to some wonderful church friends and neighbors, and (although we couldn’t afford to go out much) we had a great babysitter near our house! Looking back, I can see how the Lord was calling us both, and that meant total surrender to Him. We were afraid of that! Personally, I was afraid of God Himself, at the time. I was scared of what He would tell me to do, and I knew I couldn’t do it!  I had tried to be obedient, good, and pure. I had tried to pray every day. I had tried to be a good wife and mother. But I could never accomplish that! If only I had surrendered everything to Him, I would have found out that I am not SUPPOSED to be able to do it! He wants to do it for me. He expects me to be weak, so He can be my Savior every minute of every day! The Lord was drawing us, but we didn’t give in until later, when (in separate years in South Carolina) we surrendered totally to the Lord, out of desperation with ourselves! And the outcome I experienced? Joy! Peace! and Amazing Love! 

When we moved to Fountain Inn, S. C., I loved how you could be anywhere within five minutes.The kids walked or rode bikes to school, and they had the run of this safe, little town! By then, Roy was Manager of two offices in two adjoining towns. He now knew everyone in two towns!  Our kids were happy in school. They were all very involved in sports, especially baseball.

The Pastor at the Baptist Church was an amazing man of God! He was the one I went to when I finally got so miserable with myself. I was willing to surrender, although I was still afraid of God (lI saw him as a Policeman in the sky!) Well! After he prayed with me, my life totally changed! Everything looked different, felt different! I had felt loved most of my life, but this love was electric! Although I have been through some tough times since, this has never left…only grown! Full surrender, in spite of some doubts and fears, was my life-changing key! I decided that God is who He says He is! It is so easy…there is no work involved! It is like jumping off a high diving board! Once you get past the fear of jumping, you can’t go back! With our loving and kind God, you never want to go back!

Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5